I Dread Dealing With Money

Being thrust into control of my finances again has brought up a lot of “money emotions” for me. My relationship with money is an odd one because I mostly feel dread when thinking about money. Yes, dread.

Dread:   1. a) to anticipate with great apprehension or fear

                    b) to fear greatly

                2. to feel extreme reluctance to meet or face

Yep, that pretty much nails how I feel about money.

Even just thinking about checking my bank account balance fills me with dread. I actively avoid it… I even put it on a list It’s so weird to admit, but I dislike money. My happiest was when I was at a point in my life that I didn’t have to worry about money, or even think about it at all. Mrs. SSC was more than happy to take the role over and I was more than happy to throw my finances at her and run away laughing. Which is basically what happened.

Now that control of those finances got handed back to me, it’s all nice and neat and pretty and mostly organized. I’m curious how long it stays that way. Again, I’m amazed with how some of you check your bank accounts once a day, MORE than once a day (why? Just… why?), and you track ALL of your money. Yes, I’m admitting I’m amazed how easy it seems to come for… well, basically anyone/everyone I follow in the Personal Finance Community. You guys are on it! I’m just an imposter, riding the coattails of a person that IS good with money.

That’s how I feel anyway. I have no personal finance confidence and the dread is real.

Where Did the Dread Come From?

I think “when” may be a better question than “where”, but like everything that shapes our lives, for me it was back in childhood. I had money stress before I could even work and earn money. “But how can you stress about money that early” some of you are asking and others are probably nodding in agreement. Well, I didn’t grow up in the most financially stable of environments. The phrase, “money burning a hole in your pocket” was never more applicable than with my dad. He’d get paid every other Thursday and he’d cash his check and it was like a mini-holiday, at least for that night. We’d go out to eat, and then go to the mall followed by the bookstore. Instead of focusing on priorities, for those Thursday nights at least, there was money being spent on “frivolities”.

Why did I say frivolities? Well, because typically, the Wednesday before payday, we’d be low on groceries, gas, usually very low on actual money available, and there were at least 1-2 late bills waiting to be paid. When I started noticing this, was when things would happen like the lights would be out or the electricity or water would be turned off. The ever present mechanical breakdown of the car(s) and having to sweet talk the mechanic into a payment plan because we had to have the car running. Seeing my parents stress about this and then get upset, fight, or whatever the reaction was, spilled over to me. Even then I could feel it and it was ALWAYS about money. Usually the lack thereof, or the fact it got spent on “frivolities” and not “necessities”. That was the biggest sticking point and fight topic around our house.

While I couldn’t do much about things back then, at least until I started working, I still got stressed about money. And it was the worst kind of stress because it was worrying about things out of my control. I had fuck all to do with turning a light switch and it working or not but I’ll never forget that horrid feeling of flipping a switch and nothing happens. I’m going to say my “dread” associated with money started back then.

I Money Good, Relatively Speaking… (pun definitely intended)

Coming from that sort of background, it’s not hard to be better than what you’re used to seeing. Always seeing no money around turned me into “a saver”. Meaning I didn’t immediately spend money as soon as it showed up, but I would save it. I still remember my siblings being amazed/jealous that when they wouldn’t have money, I’d always have some money. Even in Atlanta when I was living with my brother back in ’96, he’d be like, “Alright man, you ready to go out tonight?” I’d say, “Yep, let me get some cash.” And I’d duck into my room, grab some cash and walk out and he’s giving me a look like, “where the hell is he stashing that, and how does he keep coming up with money?” When I came back from that summer, I had $2500 saved, just enough to cover a whole year of college, lol.

Comparatively, I always saved and had “better money sense” than what I grew up with. That’s not throwing my parents under the bus, but we can all agree some people are better with money than others. As a whole, you can put ALL my family into the “not good with money” category, I was just a little better than the rest. Back then, I never liked being in debt, and would save up to buy something outright if I needed it.

Mo’ Money, Less Problems!

Finally, around 1992 or so, I could start working and what a game changer! I had so much stress relief just from being able to buy my own groceries. I started paying the bills BEFORE they got cut off. What a concept! I had some control and I still had money left over. How in the hell did my $4.25/hr job cover the bills when my parents struggled with a $40-$50k income?! Lack of discipline with spending, I guess. IDK… This was when I went from dread to anger.

I was angry about having to pay for ALL my own bills, AND help with my family’s bills. My parents had split up around 1993, but why the hell is it my responsibility to cover my mom’s financial shortcomings!? I pitched in and “helped out the family” because that was expected of me. However, my older brother never bought a tank of gas for his car, or a quart of oil, or paid for his car insurance, or paid for any repairs, or had a job, or was expected to work, or expected to buy his own clothes, or was expected to help out the family in any way whatsoever. It wasn’t fair that I got the brunt of having to deal with the stress of bills, which ones were due when, where they got paid, and all of that, but if noone else was going to do it, I could at least make my role in it suck a little less by taking control.

It’s no wonder I relate to Shameless so much, lol. BUT, that situation also gave me a pretty independent spirit. When my whole family moved out of the house when I was 17, it was actually the biggest relief in the world. First dad moved out, and then Mom, leaving the 3 of us kids basically living on our own. My brother and I eventually had a “come to Jesus talk” with mom. We told her that we can’t be effective parents to our younger sister and that she needs to, um, well, be a mom. I had been floating ALL the bills and was the only “earner” in the house, so we also asked for money. So, instead of money, she took my sis with her and shortly after my brother left to attend culinary school. In a space of 2-3 months I went from household provider to single person with only me to worry about. WHAT A RELIEF. What 17 year old wouldn’t want to be living alone? My mom’s take, “You’ll be fine. You’re strong and independent and can handle this.” Um, yeah, but SHOULD I have to handle that? For better or worse, I finally had control of everything. Yikes! No wonder I dread dealing with money so much… I mean with all that positivity surrounding it in my formative years, I don’t understand why I would dread all things money. Maybe that’s why I default to Warren Zevon a lot, “Send Lawyers, Guns, and Money! They’ll get me out of this!”

How to Overcome the Dread

I honestly don’t know how to overcome the dread because I’m 42 and it’s still lingering. Ok, that’s not true. Give me a 6 figure salary and have someone managing my money for me and there’s zero money dread. That’s not likely to happen anytime soon and I need to figure out a better relationship with money anyway. How can i expect my kids to have a good relationship with it if they see me treat it with kid gloves and act like it’s bigger than me. Yikes!

Another one of my bigger worries about chasing FIRE was a return to dealing with this “money dread”. There were many conversations had with Mrs. SSC about how we could work thru this, or how big of a problem it may be, and if it was enough of a trigger to not quit working. I hate that dreaded feeling enough that I’d honestly rather work another 5 years or more to NOT EVER have to feel it again. Maybe I will, I don’t know.

I know what I’m going to do to try and take back my negative feelings associated with money though.

First!

I’m going to look at my bank account EVERY day! Every… Stupid… Day… I’ll log into my bank and at least glance at it. No, I’ll stare at it. Then, I’ll smile at it. Yes, as dumb as that sounds, me smiling or laughing at my bank account will help. Maybe even just bullying it a bit and taunting it like, “So, you think you’re getting out of here, huh? Get spent, see the world? Well, Not Today buddy! Not! To! Day!” while I also shake my finger at it, or something like that… Who knows? I know, I’m weird. But I like keeping it “personal”, in personal finance.

Second!

Now that all the “buying of crap” for a house is mostly over, and all my other money stuff is in Mint, I can go thru and set bill reminders for myself, where I don’t have autopay setup already. I’ve already paid a couple of bills “past due” so, yes, that has happened. Instead of beating myself up about it, I can now make that dread suck just a little less by setting calendar reminders and “forgetting about it” until they need to be paid. Plus, I can see what my monthly “recurring stable budget items” are and plan for them.

Third!

I just have to remind myself it’s only money. Yes, I typed that and sent it into the PF blogosphere.

“It’s Only Money”

Yikes! What’s the point of saving money if you don’t use it to ease your life? Well, for me, there isn’t a point. That is LITERALLY the point of saving money in my opinion. Not to hoard it and collect the most, but to have it so when life goes all pear shaped, you have one less thing to worry about during those times. So, I’ll allow myself to spend that money, but just not WASTE that money. It was a lot of work saving it, so I need to treat it with respect and not piss it away. In my opinion, stressing about money whilst looking at a big pile of it just seems beyond idiotic.

Fourth!

There is no fourth item, I just wanted to type more exclamation points!!! Lol!!!!!

Summary

I don’t know how to fix my dread associated with money, but I know how I’m going to try to fix it. That’s all I can hope for, right? Find a problem, pick a solution, and try it. When that fails, try another solution until one actually solves the problem. Like I wrote previously, if I can make this problem suck just a little bit less, it is worth it. Even if it takes most of a year to get that ironed out, well, that’s progress. I went from not dealing with any bills, or any financial accounts (allowance excluded) for the last 11 years and well, now I get to relearn those skills. I sure don’t want to fall back on my usual habits that were in place back then.

When all else fails, “Send lawyers, guns, and money! They’ll get me out of this!” – Warren Zevon

If you aren’t familiar with the tune, shame on you… But here it is.