Embracing the Suck

Recently, a LOT has changed around here, like, a whole lot. My living situation, income situation, financial situation, relationship situation, hell, everything except a new vehicle to be honest. Although, TIL, I’m making $60/day as a sub which means I just got a raise! Yes! Crushing it!! Sweetest $8/hr evr earned. But seriously, through all of this, positivity needs to reign supreme and I need to avoid getting into the rut of depression, sadness, and all the feels that come along with major life transitions such as this. Or do I? Do I really need to stay super positive and Mary Poppins-esque? Hell no! I think a situation like this, calls for a different tact, a new approach, and one I call, “embracing the suck”.

What is “embracing the suck” all about? Well, put simply, you don’t avoid, minimize, or even improve your situation, until you’ve fully accepted it for what it is. Maybe it’s just a temporary setback that is an opportunity for new hope, exciting things, and a new direction. Maybe it’s not temporary but permanent, and you feel “stuck” about that situation. For me, embracing the suck is gathering all those stress inducing worries into a single place and see if I can do anything about them to make them suck just a little bit less.

I liken it to a could of flies that suddenly shows up buzzing around your head. You don’t want them there but how do you get rid of them effectively? Sure, you can flail wildly about, but you’ll probably just look ridiculous and as soon as you stop, all that energy was wasted, because guess what’s still there? That cloud of annoying flies – i.e. “worries”. You could also choose to do nothing and accept that this is your current situation, and just embrace it. Let the flies crawl all over your face, ON your eyes, in your nose even. To me, this is how intrusive some of my worries get… When you hit the point that you DON’t want those flies (worries) bugging you so much, try this. Stop, focus on each fly, and pick ONE to attack (embrace the suck), address it and then move to the next one. Here’s why I find it helpful.

Why Should I Embrace the Suck?

First, let’s start at the beginning and address why you should even entertain, “embracing the suck”. I recommend this for a few reasons. First, it makes you stop and be present. By “embracing the suck” you have to be present in whatever situation you’re in, comfortable or not. Maybe it’s not super sucky, or maybe it’s the suckiest thing you’ve dealt with to date. Regardless, embracing it, means being present.

Being present is helpful in SO many situations. I find when I get triggered, upset, etc… I re-center, be present and regroup, and I can be much more effective than if I am being reactionary. Most of our built-in defense mechanisms are reactionary, and while they can help, being present, taking stock of your situation and making a plan to move forward is so much more effective.

Life isn’t ALL Puppies and Rainbows

Life is awesome! Mostly… Everyone says, ‘Life is what you make of it’, but what you make of it can be very different than someone else. Even someone in the exact same circumstances.. For instance, the last decade I chose to make my life a suck-town for myself and everyone around me. When I wasn’t spending all my energy pretending everything was fine, I was “Stuck in the Suck” battling clinical depression. For any clinical, medical issue, I feel doctors and meds are the best/only way to effectively manage any clinical problem. Yep, I said it. I wasn’t able to exercise my way to a better place. I wasn’t able to do anything I found for self-medication effective at all (exercise, meditation, alcohol, fishing, kayaking, playing music, etc…).

There’s no shame in getting on meds, or using any other means that may have a stigma attached to them, if that’s what you need. Nobody shames you when your car breaks, or gets a flat. It’s not your fault right? So, the same should be true of mental health and meds. I didn’t feel that way for the longest time, but now try to be the biggest proponent of getting help, stigma’s be damned! But… I chose to not go that route for the longest time. I chose… Poorly… Don’t be me!

The thing is, that when you’re “Stuck in the Suck” you have a really, really hard time seeing a way OUT of that suck. Another thing to consider is that once you get stuck in the suck, you probably may not have the drive, energy, or desire to get out of the suck. That can create a horrid feedback loop that perpetuates your temporary embracing of the suck becoming a longer stay than is healthy.

“Engage the uncomfortable, then do what you can to ensure that you spend as little time there as possible.”

Focus Helps

Going back to being present, take note of your emotions in this moment. Write them down. What is this specific “suck/worry” triggering emotionally? After you write down all the feelings, do any of them jump out at you more than the others? If so, why? Write that down. Trust me, this all helps. This is my journal, and while my spending limiting journal is ironically titled, “Let’s go bananas!” this one is appropriately titled.

What I’ve found, is that when I go through my feelings that are triggered and making me feel like my situation sucks, a lot of it comes down to control. As in, I don’t feel like I have control over my current situation and it freaks me out! I’m no control freak, but I feel much better when things are in my control, regardless of how badly I screw it up. If I screw it up, at least I did it, and not some other random person, right?

After finding my trigger points, and addressing those emotions, I ask myself,

“What can I do with this one thing to make me feel even a little better about it?”

Just that little question helps me SO much. A lot of things aren’t “fixable”. For instance, it sucks not seeing the kids at dinner, at bedtime, or in the morning before school. This isn’t a temporary situation, and barring a miracle or a tragedy, I won’t likely ever live full-time with my kiddos again. That sucks. So how can I make that better if it won’t ever get “fixed”?

Well, I recognize I can’t put that back how it was. This is the current situation and it makes me sad, ashamed, and lonely feeling. What I can do to make it a little better for me is staying in communication with Mrs. SSC and staying on the good side of being available when needed while also asking for time with the kids. I can also accept sub gigs that will put me in their school so I can see them more. I can also volunteer with Watch D.O.G.S. more to be more present around their school. While it’s not a perfect fix, these are things that I can affect that will improve my situation, even by just a little bit. I then put aside that worry, and focus on the next one.

Mindfulness – Not just for Spending

You’re probably thinking, wait… Isn’t this just a long form of the Serenity Prayer? For those not familiar with that prayer, this it.

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Kind of, but not really.

This works with my “embrace the suck” because embracing and being mindful of your situation and “sucks”, i.e. worries, is what will let you sort out what is and isn’t able to be changed. You just need to know the difference in those for yourself, and be able to accept that some things can’t change. Like my example, that situation won’t change barring a miracle or tragedy. I can accept it and find a way to improve it, even the slightest little bit, or I can get grumpy about it, do nothing and let it become worse than it originally was. Life truly is what you make of it.

Summary

That’s it. Be mindful, address each “suck/worry”, write down what emotions are associated with it, and then try to address one way you can improve that situation, even just a little bit. THEN put it aside and move to the next one. It’s been working well for me so far, and hopefully it can do the same with you and your situation.

What do you do to address your worries? Do you make lists? Do you write about them? Do you stick your head in the sand and hope they go away? I’d love to hear your ways of dealing with worries and stresses.