Slowly Sipping Coffee

Suicide Never Goes Away

With it being Suicide Prevention Day recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about my experiences surrounding that topic. It’s worse than an earworm of a bad/not bad song (Tom’s Diner anyone?) that you hear a small snippet of and sure enough, pretty soon all you keep hearing is the droning melody of all the events that have played out over the past 8 years. Yeah, you’ve dealt with it, and sure, those emotions are settled, but it sure as shit still feels like it just happened yesterday. This isn’t really about suicide prevention, because I don’t know how to stop it, and telling someone to “talk about it” is akin to telling an alcoholic to “just stop drinking…” This is me finally getting this story out to more than just a few close friends.

Disclaimer, there’s no PF spin or $ talk today, so feel free to delete and move on if you’re not interested, my feelings won’t be hurt a bit.

I was standing in my apartment when the phone rang. I was a bit out of it, because I’d put in a long night working on writing my master’s thesis and was just feeling spent. It was my sister’s boyfriend and I thought, “Why the hell is he calling me?” I picked it up figuring my sister had lost/broken/sold her phone and was using his to get in touch with me. I picked it up and asked, “Hey what’s up?” He replied, “Pat did it…” I said, “What?” He said, “He did it, he shot himself.” (He was referring to my dad)

I felt like a wooden 4×4 post just slammed into my chest, knocked a huge hole in it, took my breath away, and left me numb at the same time.

I just hung up. I didn’t have anything to say.

My first thought was that it wasn’t true, followed by, “no, it’s got to be true, I just don’t want to believe it.” I hadn’t ever expected my dad to actually kill himself. He always had a flair for the dramatic, and dealt with bipolar issues and alcoholism (fun times all around) so we knew it was possible, but he didn’t seem suicidal and I’d just talked with him a few nights previous and he sounded like his usual excited about life self. Maybe it was just because he was talking to me.

A much younger Mr. SSC and Dad hiking on Father's Day.

A much younger Mr. SSC and Dad hiking on Father’s Day.

We spent a lot of time on the phone together, just talking about everything, nothing, and then some. We’d almost compete with each other as if we wouldn’t get a chance to talk over the other one and catch them up on what we had been up to before the other one would cut us off. It was almost comical how we’d cut each other off at times, just excited to talk about our day, or a fish I’d caught or a new gun he’d found, or a cool snowstorm I got caught in, or his latest find at the thrift store. Everything and nothing…

In an instant, that was gone. No one left to go back “home” to visit anymore. “Home” was a concept long gone by then, but he was the only reason I’d get back to my home town a few times a year. It was nice catching up with my siblings as well, but he was pretty much the glue that held the last shreds of our family together. (Since he passed, I’ve seen my brother 3x and my sister twice over 8 years)

There I was, just standing in my apartment, looking at the books he’d given me, and all the other trinkets he’d given me. I realized I’d just been standing there reliving all the memories I had of him like thumbing thru my brain’s rolodex tabbed “Dad memories”. Suddenly I was frightened that they weren’t enough, that I hadn’t remembered enough details, and what about things he couldn’t remind me about anymore? I don’t have him to reminisce with, tell stories with, and be reminded of stories past that I’ve forgotten, all that was gone. Just. Like. That.

Suddenly everything was loud again, and I hurt. A deep hurt, a hurt I hadn’t felt since losing a close friend in 6th grade and just like then, I felt helpless and alone, but I didn’t have dad to turn to this time. I started calling people, any people, anyone that could get me out of that apartment. I didn’t know where I wanted to be, but I knew I didn’t want to be alone. I wasn’t able to call Mrs. SSC yet, it was too fresh, too embarrassing, I couldn’t even bring myself to say it yet. It was only 10 minutes old, but it felt like I’d just lived and died 2 lifetimes. I felt old…

I never got anyone on the phone. I laughed to myself thinking I should just leave a message in a fake cheery voice, “Hey, my dad just killed himself and I was hoping we could hang out. Call me!” Haha, no such luck. I just sat alone. And cried. A lot. Hell, I didn’t even feel like drinking. I didn’t know what I felt like, except sad and broken.

I eventually got composed enough to call Mrs. SSC and tell her before breaking down again, and I finally answered one of my family’s calls, now that they deemed it worthy to talk to me and they’d let someone else break the news to me. Why the hell did I have to hear that from a stranger?! Where is common courtesy for God’s sake?! You can see why I don’t visit more often or at all anymore.

Plans were made, a funeral was arranged and the fighting and bickering over dad’s “estate” was well under way, and he’d only been gone a whole day and a half…

I flew home. Mostly numb, wholly sober, not wanting to deal with the reality of it, or my immediate family, but stiff upper lip and all that. The funeral reception was nice, I was shocked that immediately there was a huge divide between his first kid, my older sister, and my side of the family. Literally, we stood at 2 different sides of the casket, and received 2 whole different sets of friends and extended family. And just like that. That family was broken too.

I was even more shocked by how much my brother and sister drank at the funeral, which just seemed so disrespectful especially because he’d struggled with alcohol so much, and how my mom all of a sudden seemed to give a shit about dad, and was up at his casket just beside herself over “the tragedy”. Like some kind of emotional hitch-hiker just soaking up all of the attention for someone she’d just as soon spit on than say hello to. I couldn’t wait to fly back to my home, my life, away from all this noise and soulless squabbling over stuff. Stuff. Just stuff.

It felt great getting dropped off at the airport in Nashville finally alone again. I sat at a bar and ordered a beer, and relieved by the removed weight of being around my “family” and realizing, this was probably my last trip back to my home town, I started crying again. Like for real, bawling type crying like a dam broke and I could finally have the emotional release I’d been holding in around my family.

A nice Mexican lady that was bussing tables noticed me crying and after looking at me and looking at me she finally asked if I was okay because “she knew in this country men aren’t supposed to cry like that.” (God bless her) I could only shake my head no, and she gave me a long hug and it was one of the best feelings I’d had since the whole thing started 5 days earlier.

It was hell getting back on track with life. Nobody gives a shit. Hell, most people didn’t even know it was suicide. I said it was a heart attack because that’s way more “acceptable” and way less embarrassing and shameful for me. Life goes on, everything moves on. Forward, always forward, no time for pause. I finished writing my thesis and defended it in the following 2 months. Moved to LA, started a new job, got married to Mrs. SSC, and I couldn’t share any of it with my dad. No crazy LA people stories to tell him, my new fishing/kayaking adventures, how the new job, house, marriage, life in general was going. Nothing. Just gone.

It took a lot of therapy to be able to accept that my dad killed himself. I am okay with it, I can even talk about it, but it doesn’t hurt any less. I don’t have the courage to go to a suicide survivors meeting yet, I may never. But all these feelings got brought back to the surface this weekend with the whole Suicide Prevention Day agenda. Quietly at first, but slowly building to an un-ignorable crescendo, the earworm that is the worst part of my life started playing and all of this got relived. and relived. and relived.

It makes me sad, and mad, but mostly I just miss him. I’m not mad at him anymore, I’m sometimes still mad at myself that I might not have been more supportive or more in touch, but those are things that can’t be changed so I just let them go like leaves in a stream. It just sucks. I can’t share anything about the kids with him, I can’t tell him how I now understand his temperament with me, now that I’m also raising a clone of myself. (side-note – omg it’s so frustrating at times trying to deal with a 5 yr old version of myself…) I can’t share anything about my daughter with him.

I just miss getting to talk to him. I miss getting to hear his voice, his laugh, his tone change when he’s excited about something, the way we’d cut each other off wanting to out talk the other one. Just everything. Everything and nothing.

I know there is nothing I could change to keep him from killing himself. I don’t know how you prevent it, I don’t know why he did it. These questions and more are what suicide survivors deal with everyday. You’re just left with so many questions, hurt feelings, raw emotions, and loneliness. All full well knowing it had absolutely nothing to do with you, except you’re just caught in the shit show of the aftermath.

All I can say is that it’s made me appreciate the time I have with people that are currently here. I try to smile more, I try to keep things relative, and I try to remember dad’s life with all the fun times, conversations, and memories we have and not his final act. It’s a hard shadow to get out from behind because it touches everything in my life in some way or another and that’s okay. It gets easier, it gets a lot easier, but 8 yrs later it hasn’t started hurting any less.

That’s what never ends, and that’s what suicide feels like for those left behind.

63 thoughts on “Suicide Never Goes Away

  1. The Green Swan

    I’m sorry to hear this Mr SSC. I can’t imagine the impact this had on your life. Bringing awareness to your story will certainly help others going through it as well. And like you said, life is too short to not fully cherish the people in our lives.

  2. Mrs. PIE

    I’m so sorry to hear your story but thank you for sharing this – and choosing to talk about it in such an huge forum. This is important stuff and the more it is talked about, the better

  3. Mr. PIE

    Mr. SSC,

    Thank you for sharing this extremely difficult experience. I can’t imagine what it is like to live through this and write about it. Maybe the writing helps in some way. And in the writing I see an abundance of strength in your character. Your family is lucky to have you.

    It is the nature of blogging that we often wonder what the real stories are behind the blogger. At least I do. It must have taken real courage to write this.

    I have battled through very difficult issues myself over the last three years and found immeasureable support from my wife and those in the medical profession who go to bat every day to help bring people back from the brink. Dealing with such stuff is not only hard for the individual affected but everyone else close to that person. It has affected our family so much it hurts. But I am here and trying my hardest to work through stuff that at times feels overwhelming.

    I am sad that your dad couldn’t get enough help that he needed and sad that you couldn’t experience your life and young family with him.

    I am however very happy that you found the courage to live your life differently and raise your family with the view of enjoying every precious moment that each day brings.

    Take care and thanks so much for sharing your story which was very touching for me.

    Mr. PIE

    1. Mr. SSC

      The writing was kind of cathartic. It’s the first time I’ve written about it from the place as a father myself, and when I’m not mad/sad/still feeling broken by it.

      Like I told Mrs. SSC, I don’t know what rattled the cage I had this all neatly folded up and stuck in, but something did and now that cage isn’t around to put it back into. That’s a good thing, but I was surprised how I hadn’t thought about that experience this deeply in years. I mean, really get in touch with the emotions of it.

      I’ve received great support from Mrs. SSC along the way, and that has been amazing. There is such a ripple effect that propagates throughout your life beyond just the immediate people that are affected. Suicide isn’t alone in causing this and it does have a profound, lasting effect for everyone involved and anyone who loves them.

      I wish my dad was able to get what he needed and resolve the issues he struggled with, but that wasn’t in the cards for him I suppose.

      I’ve also felt that same deep depression and hurt so badly that at times suicide seemed reasonable just to not have to feel it anymore. It’s way ahrder to deal with those issues and that pain especially when it is so overwhelming and all encompassing.

      I hope you don’t let things get too overwhleming to that point. Beyond Mrs. SSC’s support, I found a great therapist and went to her once a week, and for a few years twice a week. That helped way more and in way different ways than Mrs. SSC could, because well, that’s not her job, lol. That did wonders for me, but as you can tell it still hurts, it’s still raw, and at times can still feel overwhelming.

  4. Tyler

    Thank you so much for being so open about all of this, I know it must have been very difficult. And I’m so sorry for your loss. This is such a powerful article.

    1. Mr. SSC

      Thanks for the hug. 🙂 It would ahve been nicer to ahve support from the other people going through it, but it seemed like we just dealt with it in our own ways and rarely talked about it with each other.

      I think I had 3-4 conversations about it with my brother afterward, and how we were both dealing with it, and those were helpful in their own right. That was about it though.

  5. Julie@ChooseBetterLife

    So sorry for you loss, Mr. SSC. The past can’t be changed, but by sharing your story you might change the future for others.
    Mental health conditions are losing some of their stigma and it’s getting easier to find treatment, but there’s still a long, long way to go.

    1. Mr. SSC

      You said it, there is still a long, long way to go to remove a lot of the stigma around many mental health issues. I told my advisor, just so she would be aware, but I also told her I was telling everyone else it was a heart attack to not deal with it.

      Otherwise, only a few close friends know/knew about it. I’ve gotten a lot better talking about it, but it rarely comes up in social situations, thank goodness, lol.

  6. Vickie

    Thank you for writing this. I know it must have been hard to put such painful feelings into words. I’m so sorry that you had to go through this.

    On September 23, 2003 my cousin, who was like a sister to me, committed suicide. A week from Friday it will be 13 years and it still hurts. I miss her every day. Your words and emotions mirror a lot of my own.

    Thank you for writing about something so painful even though it could not have been easy.

    1. Mr. SSC

      Thanks and I’m sorry you’ve had to experience that too.

      The writing helped connect with the emotions again. I hadn’t really connected with them in years, and not since being a father and looking at it from a totally different perspective. Like you said, it still hurts, it’s still raw, and it’s still hard not to wonder about what they were thinking and why they felt that alone. I know he wouldn’t have wanted to cause the pain and lasting trauma that it dealt all of us, so I try not to dwell on the negatives too much when I experience these types of emotional episodes.

      It gets easier, but it doesn’t hurt any less.

    1. Mr. SSC

      Hopefully it can help remove some of the stigma surrounding mental health, but I feel like we’ve still got a ways to go.

      The more people talk, the less taboo it becomes. I mean, who talked abut breast cancer before mid 2000’s when it became the new trendy charity and cause? More talking has to start somewhere.

  7. Donna

    It’s sad when someone hurts so much that he/she can see no other way out. So sorry about your Dad, and about your pain, Mr. SSC.

    1. Mr. SSC

      I agree, it is sad that he saw that as his way out. I’ve been there and felt that much pain for so long (oddly as a direct result of his suicide) that I too felt like that would be the easiest way to make it stop and not feel like that anymore. Truthfully it is the easiest way, but there’s just so much emotional carnage left in the aftermath that it just didn’t happen.

      I went to a therapist for 4 years 1-2x a week instead and Christ, that was far from easy. Like I said, I don’t know how to prevent it, but maybe talking about it can help someone somewhere.

  8. Our Next Life

    Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry my friend! I respect and admire you tons for sharing this, and with so much honesty. My dad is bipolar, too, and though he’s had some very dark times, it’s never gotten to this place. (Major knock on wood.) But I’m going to go give him a big hug as soon as my plane lands — thank you for the nudge to go do that. Sending the love…

    1. Mr. SSC

      Thanks for the kind words. 🙂

      Dealing with someone that’s bipolar is tough, even when they’re in their manic happy phase. He didn’t do himself any favors also struggling with alcohol addiction which wrecks any sort of treatment options/medication for bipolar and is a lethal combo.
      I guess it was his way of self medicating to deal with other demons that felt to be too much for him.

      Thanks again for the support and kind words and remember with your dad just to keep things relative – (haha pun intended) because even though he may have struggles and it can be hard to deal with, what he’s going through inside is probably way more difficult than what we see. Even when dad was sober and his medication was getting tweaked and mostly working, just seeing how spent he would be after a mild manic episode, or how long it took to recover from a depressive episode was rough.

      He explained it like being on a roller coaster but then said that it doesn’t really describe it well either – it’s jsut the closest he could think of. His medicine would balance that out, but then leave him numb to the rest of his emotions or a myriad of other side effects that he thought sometimes weren’t worth just dealing with the bipolar disorder without meds. it was eye opening when he got comfortable talking about it with me, and let me see a whole different side of him that I’d just labeled “asshole” up to that point. 🙂

      It’s really hard to be nice and relatable when your own brain is trying its best to work against you and thwart any good intentions you have. 🙂

  9. Harmony@CreatingMyKaleidoscope

    Thank for your sharing this story. I hope that expressing your thought and emotions provides some added peace to your heart, although no one can ever expect these wounds to completely heal. I’m so sorry for your continued pain over this unthinkable loss <3

    Stories like this are a great reminder not to always focus on the future. There is so much that we need to experience now, before the opportunity to do so is gone.

    1. Mr. SSC

      That’s a great point about being present and in the moment of now. We’re not always guaranteed a future, and I definitely didn’t imagine something like this in my future either.

      Not that I’m going to become a big YOLO advocate, but there is a hard time findinga balance of planning ahead looking ahead, and still being able to be present, experience and appreciate “now”.

  10. Kalie

    So sad to hear this, Mr. SSC. I do appreciate your honesty and I imagine a lot of healing has led up to being able to write this post, though I know it still hurts.

    1. Mr. SSC

      Thanks for the kind words. It has taken a lot of healing up to this point, and I’m sure 8 years from now, there will have been a lot more healing that has occurred. It’s just a process that never seems to end, and that’s okay.

  11. Fruclassity (Ruth)

    Thank you for writing this. I wonder if someone might read it and think twice – because nobody wants to leave that kind of pain in his wake – including your dad. Healing and wisdom and strength to you. And hugs – the kind the Mexican woman so warmly gave you.

    1. Mr. SSC

      Thanks, and yeah, I bet if dad could have read this or realized what kind of an emotional wasteland he’d leave behind, maybe things would have been different. If it helps anyone at all, then it’s worth writing.

  12. TheMoneyMine

    What an emotional post. There’s a lot of courage and clarity in your words, and I realize that I knew nothing about the subject. Thanks for raising the awareness about it.
    I’m sorry your dad and your family had to go through this.
    I lost my mom to cancer a few years back. Every time I watch a movie and there’s a scene with someone battling cancer in a hospital, tears form in my eyes almost instantly. It hurts and it never goes away.
    But I know I need to pay more attention to my loved ones needs, even if it isn’t always easy or if I don’t want to, and show them the love I have for them whenever I can. Life is finite and we’re meant to live a positive one.
    Thanks for the reminder. Take care my friend.

    1. Mr. SSC

      I’m sorry to hear about your mom. I totally understand that “tears forming instantly” phenomenon – it still happens and sometimes at the weirdest, most seemingly benign things too.

      I’m still not the best at being attentive to my loved ones, and it’s easy to slip out of that mentality at times, but yeah this is a good reminder even for me, to try and be there, be positive, be attentive, and be present around my family and loved ones.

      Life’s too short to not try and be the best person we can – even if it’s just the best person we can be for that day. 🙂

  13. amber tree

    Kudos for writing that article… It is not easy to talk on this specific topic. I avoid it as much as possible. This year, it will be 13 years….

    In the process of healing, I actually did a few things: I went to a group that supports the partners/kids of people that decided to end their life. It helped a lot to understand that we were not alone and that very likely there is nothing we could have done. I also went on a 10 day meditation course. I felt better afterwards.

    My major struggle was the question on the disease (we got an unclear answer: bipolar, manic depression was actually used more as term): did I get the genes of this? Still no answer… Based upon what my mother tells and the things I can do to compare myself to him, it would say: no, it skipped me. I still need to think about my kids.

    Life without is different…

    All the best

    1. Mr. SSC

      I’m sorry you went through a similar experience.

      I haven’t tried the support groups yet, but maybe. This is the first time in years that I’ve thought about all of these emotions really deeply. In the past it would be overshadowed with sadness, regret, anger, but this time, it wasn’t. I also wasn’t really able to just take all of those emotions and pack them back into the little box where they were stored. Which was good and bad…

      I was able to just feel them and remember more about the happy times and happy memories with my dad, and even rest of my family that I’d let get pushed to the side or clouded by the manner of his death. That’s been pretty awesome, even with the seemingly random bouts of crying at the office. Talk about suckville… Lord, I’ve had more spontaneous bouts of crying at work this week, than ever before in my life.

      As far as the mental aspect and being predisposed to the same medical issues, I can say that I haven’t exhibited any of the symptoms or signs of bipolar disorder/manic depression whatever it gets referred as.My sister was diagnosed with it earlier on, and tries to take meds, but mostly self medicates instead.

      Like you pointed out I am also fearful about my kids, because it can be such a debilitating hurdle to deal with in life.

      All the best to you too. 🙂

  14. RocDoc

    Amber tree and Mr SSC,
    Hugs and prayers for both of you. Thank you for opening up the discussion Mr SSC and for carrying it on Amber tree. Talking about your experiences is brave and helps others to get over the stigma of talking about mental health.I think gradually, we’re all realizing mental health needs all the support and resources (perhaps more even) that physical helalth already has.
    Hugs to both your families too.

    1. Mr. SSC

      Thanks RocDoc, although it feels more cathartic than brave. 🙂 That being said, there is a stigma associated with mental health issues and even more so with suicide which can be not at all related to mental health issues.

      It’s something that needs the social platform as large as the Susn Komen foundation to get noticed. Recently there’s been that whole suicide awareness semicolon type of push and I have noticed it is getting more attention.

      There are mental health awareness months in january and May, Suicide prevention day and week in September, and Mental illness awareness week in early October. Slowly these issues are gaining traction for raising awareness and funds for more research.

      Until then, we can just talk more, share more and try to remove the stigma one person at a time.

  15. Friend

    Thank you for writing this, Mr. SSC. I married into a family whose father was lost to suicide before I entered the picture. Before I read your post, I hadn’t the slightest clue as to the depths of my in-laws’ grief. This has been such an eye-opener for me and I hope to be a better family member after having read your post. Hugs to you…and to the man who raised you.

    1. Mr. SSC

      Oh man, you and Mrs. SSC sure got the short end of the stick with that situation. I’m sorry to hear about it. I’m glad this helped frame their situation a little better for you.

      Thanks for the support and best wishes to you in dealing with a rough situation as well.

  16. Elephant Eater

    Wow. I can not imagine dealing with this or the number and magnitude of emotions that go along with the aftermath. I appreciate the courage it took to put that out there.

    I try to find the positive in any situation. As dark as this is, maybe the rawness of the emotions you were able to convey can reach and help even one other person in a situation similar to what you continue to deal with or even someone battling the demons as your dad did. Thank you for having the courage to share your experience.

    1. Mr. SSC

      Thanks for the kind words. I wrote it as more of a cathartic exercise just trying to get what I was feeling on paper. I had thought about a similar post like this for a while to raise awareness for suicide, mental health issues, or something similar and then it took the turn it did, and I just let it write itself.

      It seems to have helped at least a few people and hopefully it touched more people than just the ones who took time to comment. It wasn’t the intent really, I don’t know what the intent was, but I’m glad it’s out there and doing some good.

      Even as dark as that situation was and how fractured it left my family, there have been a fair amount of positives that came out of it. I found out in therapy that dealing with his suicide was the tip of the iceberg with my issues, lol. Without this situation spurring me to get help, I could have easily ended up another miserable soul wandering through life not liking myself and more. There have been some positives, so there’s that.

  17. Graham @ Reverse The Crush

    I’m very sorry for your loss.
    It must have been so difficult to deal with for you and your family. It’s amazing that you’re able to share so candidly and let others know about the impact this can have.
    I must admit that this post moved me a lot. I’m glad you could take positives away from the experience and appreciate those around you. Thanks for sharing!

    1. Mr SSC Post author

      Thanks and I’m glad you got something from it. It took a while to find any positives to take away from the experience, but they’re there, you just have to be able to not let the negatives cloud everything in that situation. That in itse;f took a while to accept as well.

  18. soccerdad08

    Thank you for such courage to write this post. I wish Mental Disorders would just be able to get the acceptance they deserve, but since people can’t see it, they don’t get it. People can see and understand a broken arm. They can’t do that with the mind. But, what is really sad, is the mind controls everything else. If the mother board is broken, not much else is going to work very well.

    I dealt with mild anxiety and panic attacks for over 20-years. I was able to mask it from my family, but finally had to face it and my family provided a tremendous amount of support. Because we “know” people wont understand, we are even less likely to share and see the help we need.

    1. Mr SSC Post author

      I’m sorry you had to hide that from your family, but it’s great knowing that they were able to provide such support once they knew. It amazes me how much we hide from those who can give us the most support, justifying it to ourselves in whatever way that we do. I did the same when my depression from this incident got so overwhleming, and it took a lot to finally admit how bad it had become. I guess it’s feeling like I failed at not being able to handle it, or whatever the reason, but it is so backwards to “know” that those we love won’t understand.

      I like the motherboard analogy, very fitting. 🙂

  19. Finance Solver

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s never easy to receive calls like that, let alone from a stranger.

    My dad had a near-death experience when I’m pretty sure a medical malpractice happened and I haven’t gotten to tell him how glad I was that he was still alive. It probably hurt him that I didn’t tell him and mental hurt is far more detrimental than physical hurt. I need to start being more considerate and let my feelings out for everything and everyone that I have.

    1. Mr SSC Post author

      I still don’t understand why noone from my immediate family didn’t make that call, but what can you do about it, you know? I too need to be more considerate of others, it’s easy to just slip into a self centered mode and forget how my actions look to those around me.

  20. sms114

    I’m so sorry for your loss of your dad. It’s apparent in your writing that you really loved him. Loved the pic of you & him hiking. You have the memories of all the times you spent with your dad – share those times by talking about him & those memories with your kids – even thought they will never have the opportunity to “meet” him, they can know him through your stories, memories, & pictures. Sounds like he was hurting. I think when people consider/commit suicide, they just want to stop the hurting, not thinking about anyone or anything around them. I’m sure he loved you. May he rest in peace.

    1. Mr SSC Post author

      He was definitely hurting, and probably felt like we couldn’t help, wouldn’t understand, or like you said, jsut wanted to not feel that way anymore. I can understand where he’s coming from in that sense, but man, the reality of the mess and hurt that gets left behind in the wake of that decision…

    1. Mr. SSC

      Thanks for the kind words. Any parental death is probably shocking alone, but the unexpectedness of it did contribute to probably more grief/anger/heartache in that situation.

  21. Miss Mazuma

    So sorry for the loss of your Dad. Your writing is a beautiful tribute to him. Though you can’t share you daughters stories with him, you are lucky to have known him well enough to share his stories with her and in her they will live on.

    That Mexican woman you spoke of, I don’t know her, but I have felt a hug like that before. I will never forget the stranger who held me on the side of a rural road in upstate New York. I wasn’t even crying, but she instinctively reached out and wrapped her arms around me and held me tight…like she knew I would collapse if she didn’t hold me close. I had a brief moment of resistance before sinking the weight of my world into her embrace. I am a firm believer that God puts angels in our way at the exact moment we need them. Our stories are certainly proof of that.

    1. Mr SSC Post author

      Thanks for the nice words. 🙂

      Those hugs are pretty amazing and I agree that I think they’re put there for a reason. Stranger or not, that was the closest I’d felt to somebody because it was like you said, you just sink into it and feel. Just feel. Feel like you can let go for a moment, like someone’s there, like it’s safe to relax and just be.

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